Saturday, September 30, 2006

Happy happy joy joy

The undergrads have come. I'm excited.

(If I weren't a guy and revile smiley faces, there would be many smiley faces in this post.)

Friday, September 29, 2006

The "E" word

Today was the last day of week 6 of law school. Now is about the time when students become more hardcore about their work. For the first few weeks, law school was still new to everyone, and people generally had a good time, went to bar review, went out, etc. It didn't matter that much since the pace of class went very slow. But classes have begun to pick up, and the over-achieving, type A personalities that we law students are, have become more paranoid about studying, and about the all important E word. At UCLAW, second and third year students who did the best in each individual class lead something called GAT sessions that teach study skills, and these sessions are very well-attended. I guess law school has become less of a game, and the severity of the whole situation has forced all but the most lackadaisical students to pick up the pace of studying.

I wouldn't say that I'm lackadaisical in so much as I view law school as a game and treat it as such. To me, law school involves lots of busy work trying to distract students from the E word. We're like mice that are placed in a trap and worry too much about getting around the next corner and stop focusing on the cheese at the end of the tunnel. Some students type like madmen everything that is said in class by all parties; I shut off my brain whenever I hear a student start speaking (irrelevant--no one cares what students have to say). Some students discuss whether judges got a holding right; I simply memorize the holding and could care less about how the judge got there. I work on my outline, I do hypos, and I do practice exams. That's it. The law school professor criticism to my method is that I'm not learning to think like a lawyer. My response to it all: a) this isn't Yale and b) if you want me to think like a lawyer, then test like it--don't give me this theory and morals all semester but the give classic issue spotter exams at the end. I'll learn all the grey when you stop making the law black and white.

P.S. To the person who got to my blog through a search of "law school hookup": I don't know if I should be honored or reviled that your search led you to my blog.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Quote of the day

1L to me: "Where is the library? I have to go do a library research assignment."

-9/27/06, week 6 of law school.

Reader feedback

I’ve received some email comments regarding my previous post. Here is a good one from a female reader (edited for brevity):

I read your post with a degree of loathing but also with a great deal of respect that you touch on this issue…I’ve been to Brazil, where women prance around in skimpy bathing suits on the beach and are much more sexually aggressive towards men…basically the situation you advocate. But I don’t think that such openness is necessarily a good thing. I’m glad you recognize that the U.S. is fundamentally a country with puritan roots, and I don’t believe that it ever will change, nor is such sexual openness something that we should advocate.

[name redacted]

I guess that we simply see things differently. But I do fundamentally disagree with you on one point. I think that U.S. society is changing, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. All forecasts show that perhaps in a decade, the “majority” racial class will become the “minority.” In Southern California already, the “majority” has already become the “minority” and soon the entire state of California, Caucasians will be outnumbered by people with skin color darker than them. This demographic change is unavoidable, and to think that our values will not shift as a result is plain naïve.

I grew up in upper-middle class suburbia an hour’s drive from a city. I won’t say that my neighborhood was racist, but it definitely did not promote racial equity. I heard negative things said about the minorities who lived in the city proper. African-American women, I heard, were sexually aggressive and slept around too much. Latino women, I heard, developed too rapidly and needed to cover up and show some modesty. [NOTE: I do not agree with the views represented, and am repeating what was told to me.] With minorities gaining more prominence, it would be unreasonable to assume that our quaint conservative Catholic school values will hold.

My response in short to reader: you and I have different beliefs regarding values, and we'll agree to disagree. But do please recognize that, like it or not, traditional values are a-changing.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I feel like the NSA

So, I have a counter on my blog. As a result, I feel like I run a top-secret agency where I get to snoop in on people's personal lives. What is really entertaining is looking at the IP addresses of my visitors, and seeing the breakdown of my visitors.

I will say that visitors fall into a few categories:

20%: IP addresses from some of LA and SF's top white-shoe law firms. I am definitely impressed that associates/partners/bored paralegals from these firms actually read my blog. I hope that comes in handy come OCIP time next year. But I guess that would necessitate me outing myself.

20%: UCLA domains, largely from the law school and from Weyburn, the graduate dorm. I hope I am doing a good job of entertaining my fellow students/faculty/bored secretaries with my tales of debauchery (sometimes), despair (often), and witty wordplay (rare).

10%: Other IP addresses in Los Angeles and California in general.

20%: Fellow law school bloggers from around the country. Hope I am entertaining you, and giving you insight into the hard life I live in Westwood, where the weather is at least 70 year round, and everyone is gorgeous.

10%: Surprisingly lots of visitors who work in the federal government and court system. I am defiantly surprised at the contingent with,, and IP addresses. I didn't know my reach extended that far.

20%: Other. People who don't fit into one of the above categories. Here I give props out to whoever the regular visitor from Thailand is. I'm not sure how you found my blog, but good luck to you and the whole coup thing.

Quote of the day

[Prof X]: "Hey hey, ho ho, rotten vegetable bowls have got to go."

-on describing his hatred for food at the school cafeteria

Monday, September 25, 2006

Don't come to me for advice

Dear friends and family:

As you may know, I am currently known as a 1L, the first of three years of law school. I love how you guys come and ask me law related questions, but unfortunately, I know just a tiny bit more of law than you guys. I know you think that because I go to law school, I can answer your questions. But, you fail to recognize two things. In law school, I really don't get taught the law; rather, I get taught the whole thinking like a lawyer crap. Second, even if I do know the law doesn't mean that I would actually know how to do it in practice. You wouldn't ask a first-year medical student to give you advice on heart surgery, much less perform the surgery, would you?

Take suing someone, a favorite question I am asked. Suing someone is covered in a class called civil procedure. I actually don't know how to sue someone yet, but I can give you fascinating discussions on 12b6 motions to dismiss and Rule 11 sanctions. If you ever want to know about things such as federal jurisdiction and diversity jurisdiction, I'm your man; if you want to know how to sue someone, I suggest that you go to a lawyer.

In three years, perhaps I will be able to sue for you. That is if I pass the California bar exam. And that is if I don't get tired of this thing called law school. And that is if I don't happen to meet a rich heiress (this is LA after all) who in exchange for me quitting law school and being arm candy for her, will give me access to her trust fund. But otherwise, I will gladly help you. And just for you, I will kindly waive 50% of the $400/hour I will normally bill as a shark.

But until then, please refrain from asking me legal questions. I don't know how to sue someone, nor how to write a will, nor how to contest traffic tickets, nor how to file for divorce, nor how to file a defense against being arrested for solicitation. I am just a first year law student who is actually paying a school to mentally beat me up. In the meantime, please consult a lawyer. You can find some fine ones in yellow pages and on billboards everywhere. If that fails, I'm sure the law firm connected to 1-800-LAWYERS can help you out. Thanks.


Sunday, September 24, 2006

Can't we all just grow up?

Long weekend...Did some studying and did some drinking. Same old. Details aren't important.

Here's a topic I've been thinking about recently and it manifested itself this weekend. The topic is America's puritanical attitude towards sex. During college, if a girl (and to a lesser extent a guy) hooked up with someone, their excuse the next morning was "oh, I was just drunk." Them being drunk, in their eyes, excused their actions. I don't buy that a single bit. Here's why: I personally don't like Indian food and I will not eat Indian food no matter now drunk I am (nor will I fellate a goat nor make out with the Law School Dean nor a whole litany of other things that I'm not into). The way I see it, we somehow need an excuse to act on our impulses because people are taught (especially girls) by Catholic schools and bible-thumpers that sex is a naughty thing and that only slutty girls want it. (See supra walk of shame...see I'm learning more in law school!)

[For those of you who don't believe me, here's an experiment for you: guy picks up girl at a bar and it's clear to both that they're doing to do it. Guy has to go through the pretense about saying (let's get out of here/go back to my place to listen to some music/go back and I'll cook you something). If guy were to say straight-out, "let's go back and have lots of sex," what do you think would happen? My guess is that girl would be offended, and say something to the effect of "I'm not that kind of girl."]

I thought that all those excuses were just a college thing, and that we would overgrow them. Indeed, my recent travels throughout Latin America and Europe showed a much more healthy attitude towards basic human impulses. There, things were said on face value, and people did not try to make excuses for their actions. (American girls wear thong underwear but would not be caught dead on a beach with their buttcheeks exposed, whereas fat 50 year old Greek women will have no problem prancing around topless in a thong on a beach for the whole world to see.)

Move forward to law school. I thought people would have grown up by now, but apparently they have not. Law school girls will hook up with boys and will be ashamed the next morning and give the same lame "I was drunk" excuse. Law school boys will act like a--holes and give the same lame "I was drunk" excuse. As if being drunk justifies your actions.

Come on...Grow up people. If girls want to hook up with guys, do it sober. If guys want to act like jacka--es, do it sober. It's a lot cheaper this least you don't have to spend money on alcohol as a stupid pretense.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Random tidbits

Random tidbits from today:

1: The votes have been counted and 1L SBA representatives have been chosen. I'm actually happy about the choice of 1L president, as I think he was defiantly the best choice of the three who were running. Two section representatives were elected by default because they were the only ones running. Another section rep election was tied, so there is going to be a runoff. Fabulous...More campaigning...I would like to declare that my vote is hereby for sale to the highest bidder.

2: I was asked out today by an education grad student I met on the campus shuttle. Too bad I told her that I already had plans this weekend [drinking and studying]. But I learned my lesson from the incident last week and gave her my number. But she does get 100 bonus [Westlaw] points in my book for her initiative. Way to stand up for liberal feminist ideals, EdGirl.

3. I was [somewhere in the law school] [recently] and [someone] was reading my blog. [He/she] [made a comment] to me about the blog and wondered who in the 1L class was writing it. I think I said something very awkward and [made an excuse to leave].

Off to poison my liver...


From a friend who heard this is one of her classes:

1L #1: "I read that Bradgelina donated $1 million to MSF."
1L #2: "What are you talking about? I'm not very good with abbreviations."
1L #1: "Well, Bradgelina is..."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Quote of the day

"There are many problems with a celibate marriage. The first one I need not elaborate to you."

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Conservatives and liberals

Quote of the day:
(at the end of class)
[Prof X]: “So you just wasted another hour of your life.”

One of my classes is taught by a very liberal professor who wears his politics and views on his sleeve, and it pervades the entire lecture. There are only a few conservative students in the class, and they always argue with the professor during class discussion and after class. It’s actually pretty interesting listening to these students, since their arguments are torn apart by the professor, not because the professor's arguments are especially foolproof, but that here are 1Ls trying to argue with a professor who has 20+ years of experience over these 1Ls and can pull up tons of cases to destroy the federalist/conservative argument. (I would also assume that a conservative professor will destroy the liberal student views as well)

I’m actually pretty moderate, but I have a problem with the whole conservative argument bemoaning the liberal bias in academia. I don’t doubt the conclusion, since I have definitely found that short of going to BYU or Bob Jones or Liberty , most professors in academia are liberal.

Here's my problem with the conservative argument: No one is stopping conservatives from going into academia. I don’t think that hiring committees are sitting around saying here’s a conservative candidate and we’re not going to hire him and hire a liberal one instead. [Note, Eugene Volokh, conservative/libertarian and legal advisor to Proposition 209 that prohibits the use of race in UC admissions teaches at UCLAW] For some reason of self-selection, conservatives don’t tend to go into academia to the same extent that liberals do, and that’s the reason for the overall liberal bias. Why conservatives don’t go into academia, I don’t know and I won’t venture a guess.

The second argument I hear from conservatives, especially regarding public interest at law school, is that they agree with public interest in theory, but don't agree with "the liberal bulls--t" (as one of them called it) that is associated with public interest. I don’t think that it is because public interest programs are saying “oh, you’re conservative and we’re not going to take you.” Again, simply the proportion of students who go into public interest law is heavily skewed towards the “hippies/socialists/the system is wrong” crowd over the “we should help our fellow brothers because we are all the Lord’s children” crowd. Again, why the self-selection exists, I don’t know.

To say that the system is inherently biased without examining conservatives’ own reasons for not going into academia or public interest is malum in se (see, I’m learning stuff in law school!)

Monday, September 18, 2006

Quote of the day

[Prof X]: “Why am I always coming up with examples involving drugs?”

Sunday, September 17, 2006


I really shouldn't be posting, as I have a legal memo due for my writing class tomorrow. I can see this whole blogging thing being the cause for me failing out of school. As could be this whole Southern California thing and the distractions it causes.

So, I started writing my memo last night. About a page and a half through, I decide to go to the local watering hole for a drink. My mind will work better on a little alcohol, I tell myself. Two beers, and I'm back to do the memo, I planned. Well, two drinks turn into many more. I spy a hottie and I start talking to her. It was polite banter for a while. She's a 20-year old undergrad English major. I throw in some lines from The Wasteland and Prufrock. She becomes more interested. Then I mention that I'm in law school. And bamm, it was as if a switch turned on, and soon we are sucking face. [skip about 7 hours of the story, as I intend to keep this a family blog] I wake up at her place with a splitting headache, and come back home and crash until noon. A whole 12 hours lost of potential memoing.

I am not one to judge. Perhaps she was attracted to me because of my good, all-American, high cheekbones. Or perhaps to my ability to quote 20th century modernists. Or perhaps it was because of the alcohol. But, as what ran through my cynical brain today, if she was a gold-digger, she erred greatly. First off, I'm just a 1L, and currently have a $-40,000 net worth. Second, I don't remember her name (starts with a J, I think) and I lost the bar napkin with her number somewhere during the night/morning.

Back to memos. This will be an all-nighter.


I wake up today and my hit counter has been flooded with hits. I made Legal Underground this week, which sent my hit counter through the roof, and I got several email comments and questions as a result of it. One question I got asked me to explain the meaning of my title. I figured that I hadn't done so before, so here it is.

My first class ever in law school was property, and before class, we were assigned a case to read. The professor walks in, and doesn't do any introductions, and the first words that came from his mouth was "So, who owns the fox?" (Law students should know what case I'm talking about.) Those five words were my first exposure to law school.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Just like high school

So, I've already wrote about how law school is like high school in many ways. Here's another: student government elections.

So, time has come for the 340 or so 1Ls to start voting for student government positions, and people are already starting to campaign. Today I go to the law school and in the locker room are these signs featuring Jack Bauer, Jack McCoy and other celebrities telling me to vote for [douchebag 1L]. Candidates are trying to size up other candidates and getting all their friends to pass along the word to vote for _______ for president/section rep/secretary/etc.

I understand law students are all high achieving type A personalities, but how are my 1L elected representatives going to represent my interests? And just how much change can they accomplish? There's still going to be curves, gunners, lockers, Socratic method, bad dressed professors, and douchebag 1Ls regardless of who represents the interests of the 1L class.

CANDIDATE SAYS: "I want to represent my fellow 1Ls to make sure that the administration is responsive to our needs and to make our voices heard so as to improve our collective 1L experience."

CANDIDATE MEANS: "This is going to look sweet on my resume come OCIP time. And my grandma is going to be so proud. And hopefully, this will make me seem important enough so that I [can get some action from slutty-but-insecure hottie in section 5] / [get me noticed by the tall cute surfer boy in section 10]"

A post at 1:45AM

Why am I up at 1:45AM on a Friday night? Because law school has picked up the pace and now I seriously feel that the work aspect of law school is going to have to have priority over the social aspect. I went out to dinner with some people tonight, but then came back and started doing my memo for Lawyering Skills due on Monday.

Perhaps it's because as a English major, I'm used to fancy writing and cutting edge word play, but law school writing is so plain and boring, and I'm not used to that. Plus, the structure of a memo is so rigid that I always have to stop myself from doing something creative. As my law skills professor said, "lawyers are very anal and I'm just trying to drill the habit into you so that you're prepared for life at a law firm."

I decided after going to Q's [the bar review place] last night that I will probably stop going to them regularly. My old 24 year old body just can't party as hard as it used to, and can't keep up with them 22 year olds.

And as was reminded to me today, first semester of law school is over 1/4 of the way done.

Quote of the day

I walk into the law student lounge this morning and two girls are talking about bar review last night.

"I can't believe all these rumors about me. I did not give him head. I just sucked his balls a little."

(I quickly step up my pace and go up the stairs to my locker)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Quote of the day

[Prof X]: "The problem with cocaine dealers is that you can't go and garnish his paycheck."

Rather than tell you the story, I think it is a lot more fun taking the quote out of context.

I'm off to bar review....

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Power suits

So, for the past two weeks, lots of 2Ls have been running around in suits trying to do what they're expected of at law school. While they all wrote on their application essays that they all want to go to law school to (help people/serve the under-protected/protect the innocent/give back to their community/insert any other cliche here), this week is when their true colors shine. This is the time where 2Ls throw away the idealist mumbo-jumbo and pursue the real purpose of why they all really came to law school: FOR THE DINERO.

So, guys are in their navy suit, white shirt, and conservative striped tie (undoubtedly warned by career services not to be too flashy or show too much personality) and girls are running around in moderate heels and a nice skirt-suit combo, making sure not to show too much cleavage yet at the same time trying not to come off as a conservative prude and trying to give the interviewers (mostly middle-aged men) enough eye candy. At the end of the process called On Campus Interview Program (OCIP), they hope to land a job earning $135,000, the market rate for lawyers in big West Coast firms.

I do not have any experience to write about jobs or interviewing. But from what I've heard, law firms are hiring lots of new associates. They're hiring not because they're growing (firms nowadays grow only by merger). They're hiring to replace associates who have left the firm.

Food for thought...Ever wonder why associates would leave such cushy jobs? Could it be because law firms aren't really all they are hyped up to be?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Today sucked

I had perhaps my first "I hate law school" day today. I'm not sure what caused it, but by the end of the day (I was in class from basically 9-5 all day), I felt like crap and could not wait to get out of the Law School.

In related news, it has come to my attention that at least one 1Ls have decided that law school was not right for him and went home. A professor made the comment today that we would be short one from now on. Good for him. Better be miserable for three weeks than be miserable for three years.

Monday, September 11, 2006

A new commitment

Oh, totally forgot to write about this...

I recently got on one of the many journals here at UCLA. There is the law review and 11 other journals. Law review is a whole other animal in that applicants have to do a assignment DURING spring break of their 1L year. I'm not sure if I'm going to attempt that yet, but as of now, I'm on one of the other journals.

So what journals, at least for 1Ls, entail is basically something called cite checking and then Bluebooking. Cite checking is going back and finding the original material the author cited to make sure that he cited and quoted everything correctly. Bluebooking is the MLA Handbook of Law School, published by the Harvard, Penn, Yale, and Columbia Law Review mafias. It basically tells you how to list sources. Where to put a period, how many spaces, where to put an em-dash, etc. Whoever made it has got to be really anal about their punctuation, and sure as hell did not go to public school like I did.

So, basically I just signed myself up to be a 1L slave for a journal. I am interested in the topic, but I might as well have done the UCLA Journal of Medieval Tanzanian Family Law for all I'm concerned, if all I will be doing is checking over law school professors' papers.

Note to law professors so as to make my life easier: if you can't do something as basic as cite correctly, perhaps you shouldn't be in the profession.

September 11, 2006

Sunday, September 10, 2006

I've joined the club

This weekend was long due...

After witnessing many a 1Ls get trashed over the past three weeks, this weekend was my turn. I will avoid the details so as to both further outing myself and to avoid additonal embarrassment. (I know, I'm no fun since details and gossip is what makes law school go round.) But it is safe to say that it involved conspicious alcohol consumption, various comprimising photos taken, drunken hookup with female fellow 1L, drunk dialing various inappropriate people, and waking up in a place that I did not recognize.

But I will be a man and admit to my actions.

I feel like I am officially now a law student.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Don't be the douchebag

For any prospective 1Ls, here is a list of things not to do to avoid the ire of your fellow 1Ls.

-Do NOT carry a rollie. I know your books are heavy, but rollies are a disaster. Don't get me theory rollies are great, but you are not at an airport. Rollies make noise, and rolling down the long tile corridors of UCLAW, it's just clack...clack...clack. And, rows in classrooms are really narrow, and to get to your seat with your rollie irks your neighbors. Plus, you just look stupid. Go to the gym, build up those back and shoulder muscles, and sport your 30lb backpack with pride.

-Do NOT be a gunner. Honestly, no one cares about what you have to say. Your classmates don't. And the professor surely does not either. Just sit around and listen and only talk when you are called on. PERIOD. If you think you're so brilliant and need to let your brilliant thoughts be known, wait until after class or go to his office hours to impress the professor with your brilliance. Your classmates will simply think you are a douchebag.

-Make sure you are prepared for class. Enough said.

-But at the same time, make your classmates think that you just looked over the readings or say that the readings were really difficult. You do not want to foster competition and saying that you've done all the readings a week ahead will simply make people feel insecure and foster competition.

-Do not try and pad your resume. There are people who are joining various clubs and journals and running for office because they want to pad their resumes (they freely admit to it). But employers honestly don't care that you are a member of the Entertainment Law Society or the Animal Law Society. They care that you got an A in class.

-Do try to have some semblance of a life outside of law school. Getting to law school at 8AM and not leaving until 11:30PM when the library closes is not what you want to be doing. If you are doing law school this way, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Go to the gym, cook, play soccer, dance, or whatever you normally do. It makes law school a lot less stressful.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Who am I?

So, the point of this blog is to be anonymous, but here's a cool thing I found recently. Apparently, as a celebrity, I most resemble Tom Hanks (well, there is a guy named Nigel Short I resemble even more, but I'm not sure who he is). So, for any detectives out there, you can go look for someone in the 1L UCLA class that 68% resembles Tom Hanks, and that'll be me.

Check it out for yourself at, and click under face recognition.